Desprately Seeking Peace

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

God is challenging me, changing me and when you're sitting on the potter's wheel spinning and spinning having portions of your life pushed on, molded and cut off it hurts. I want to trust that the changes God is bringing are the best for me, I know that this path is where I believe that I should be...but still I'm anxious, nervous...I don't know all that is going to happen-but I choose to TRUST God.
I've been challenged lately in my times talking to God with the question of what I want my life to be....do I want to be safe or do I want to leave "teethmarks" (This is a term from Flashbang by Mark Steele-fantastic book by the way!) Basically God is asking me if I want to have a nice neat safe life or do I want to change the world. Honestly, I want to make an impact, I want to leave marks where ever I can, I want people to encounter Jesus when I have the honor of being in their lives. I don't want to arrive before my Savior clean and spotless with only this to say "Whew! I made it, and my family is here so its all good!" I want to arrive messy, beat up for taking the punches for others, bleeding for the nations and the poor, I want say to Jesus, "I loved you with my life, by loving the marginalized, the 'unworthy' the 'unlovely'" I want to give my life so that they may know Jesus and not the abuse of the "powers that be". I can't sit back and allow "the church" to stay the same-I feel like revival has to start with me, I can't be satisfied with my nice comfortable life-I don't want to be comfortable anymore! Which is crazy because I keep crying out for God's peace...I'm scared of what this choice means, if I'm honest I want to be comfortable, I want to have more than enough money to do what I want to do, I want to live for myself in "comfortable apathy" and not be bothered by the masses around me who desperately need the peace of Christ. How do I kill the flesh and embrace the spirit. This is where I am, I want to be a grenade in this life not just a flashbang (again Mark Steele!) I want to leave a mark on every life, every person, every moment I want to love and choose God's grace and walk in a way that people see Him-if I die tomorrow what has my life been? I believe it has been preparation for this decision, this moment, this path-I must change or die trying!

May God's Peace be on you and may you hear His voice challenging you to leave a mark!

Korista

PS The book I mentioned is called Flashbang it is by Mark Steele and you can get it on Amazon-WAY WORTH THE READ!

I promised....I just didn't say when! HA

So it's been over a month since I promised to blog, I'm not even certain anyone is reading this blog...but here I am. This semester in grad school kicked me hard, not just school really but life in general. I have no "feelings"...literally I think I'm more of a robot than a human being right now...uh oh did the pod people attack and I didn't get the memo? Anyways, I've turned 31, performed a memorial for a friend, started a new job, moved, struggled a lot in my faith and in just living daily life....hmmmm. I guess I only have forward to go from here!

Today I was walking my roommate's dogs and I usually try to use that time to focus on my day and what God's saying to me and today I realized something entirely ridiculous about myself....wait for it....are you ready....I think I'm god. Ok so I don't literally think I'm god...but here's the deal. I was talking to the ONE AND ONLY GOD on my walk and I was apologizing for being such a loser in my communications with him and my daily bible reading (yeah I'm a pastor...stop gasping and keep reading) and I said to God, I just have to work harder, I'll just be better. I would have stopped in my tracks but the 150 lbs of dog kept pulling me forward. In those little sentences talking to God, I realized that I, subconsciously think I'm in charge of changing myself into someone better. That if I just read my bible more, pray more, give more somehow I will be better, I will be WORTHY of God's love and work in my life. Here's the problem, I am not God....I am no where close (and right now you should be thanking the only God that I'm not...cause this world would SUCK if I was in charge)....and the thing of it is, is that I can't earn anything, I don't deserve God's grace, Jesus' sacrifice on the cross is the ONLY reason I can even talk to God personally....if I keep on this track of thinking somehow I'll be worthy enough for God's attention I am in definitely jeopardy of believing somehow I am god. I've always struggled with asking people for help, if you know me well enough, you know I HATE feeling out of control, I HATE trusting other people for anything and I am content to be alone and do it on my own. The beauty of God is that he has placed me in a family and a circle of friends who know this about me and don't allow me to live a solitary life-they invade when I need help, even when I can't admit it...this is not a bad thing, I need this because if they didn't come in I would NEVER ask for help...maybe its a pride issue...but I don't think so, it comes back to the fact that I tend towards a "works" view of life and faith...I have ALWAYS wanted to prove myself worthy, worthy of friendship, of being a daughter, of being taken seriously, of Jesus' sacrifice...the list goes on....but you know what I'm NOT WORTHY (stop having Wayne's World flashbacks!) I can't be better, I can't do it...the only thing I can do is throw myself at the foot of the cross and ask God to let Jesus' worthiness be enough for me. Relient K has a line in a song that challenges me, "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair"...Thank you God for your grace, Jesus thanks for not letting me get what I deserve....God thanks that I'm not you and that I am your kid-no matter what.

Thanks for reading.....Korista

I promise

I promise, I'm writing blogs but they aren't finished....I'm trying to edit them now, but life is hectic...you get it! So blessings my friends who are subscribing and I promise I'm trying to write more! Psalm 119:14 has been an encouragement and challenge lately! Peace and Love, Korista

Thankful

I have to say that over the last week of so I have become so much more aware of God's great sight. What I mean to say by this is that he knew last Sunday would come as part of my life before I was born and He knew what I would need to move through Marty's memorial with grace and peace, before I even contemplated my friend's death. God is so faithful to provide for us just what we need BEFORE we need it. In the days leading up to Marty's death I heard numerous messages about suffering and grief. I sat through a class where the professor, "as just a side note", mentioned that the Psalms are wonderful tools for walking people through grief. I hear Rob Bell speak about embracing suffering as an art and a moment of growth in our lives....I could go on, conversations, people praying for me, hugs from friends. I can't begin to fathom God's great sight and love for me and for those who are around me. I am so thankful for the voices in my life, Ryan, Myron, my parents, Melody, Kathy, Nate, Jen, the girls at Starbucks who covered shifts....the list goes on. People threw their arms around me before I even knew I needed the hug(cause honestly as someone who hates to be touched-I don't ever think I need a hug!). I just wanted to write this to say I'm thankful, for God's thoughts toward me and all the friends and family who care for me even when I have nothing but tears to offer them. Remember today that God sees your tomorrows and He has a plan, it might not be yours but He's got it!

Death and all his friends

Death...it seems so unnatural, so wrong somehow that we die. Death, I know is a part of this life, it does not end here though and I think that is why I struggle with every fiber of my being against it. Many Christians would say we need to embrace death as the way to eternity-which is where our hope lies, eternity with Jesus. Yet somehow this rings false for me...God has a calling for me here, a plan, a purpose...I don't view my life here as the end all be all; yet I do believe that it matters how I live, how I embrace this portion of eternity....I got the dreaded call yesterday-I hope you've never had this experience but for those who have, well you understand. I have had several of these calls in my life, three stick with me. When I was six, my mom received a call telling her that my aunt had died. I can still see my mother sobbing in shock sitting on her bed. The sun was shining that day and it should have been a happy day, but death shadowed the sun for a long time after that call...in fact even today I am painfully aware of the effect of suicide on people's lives. I can also say that this particular memory helped to persuade me away from ending my own life 10 years later. The next call was when I was in college, my dad called me to tell me that my grandfather had passed away. I was now the one clutching the phone, sitting on the floor, sobbing with so much pain in my heart I thought I would die. I was grandpa's girl and I could never imagine life without him....life has continued now for almost 11 years without him calling me baby or asking me if I got water on my knee, but even today there is a part of me that feels that absence. And then yesterday a very unexpected phone call from the younger brother of a friend from high school. He said, "Marty passed away yesterday". I had to pull off to the side of the freeway and as traffic zoomed by, my life stood still. I was and am rocked. I haven't seen or heard from Marty in a few years, but he was always at the forefront when I searched on facebook for friends or talked to others from our group...but again we just lost track. I talked to his mom tonight, she has asked me to speak at his memorial service because Marty "had such respect for me", its a hard thing to find out that someone cared so much about you after they're gone-it's even harder to realize that he's such a huge part of my high school and college years. Something I'm learning about death and life from Marty is that you aren't guaranteed tomorrow, that God knows our yesterdays, todays and tomorrows and that I must live this life with eternity always in the forefront of my heart, mind and understanding. Maybe I won't yell at the next old lady who cuts me off in traffic, maybe instead I'll use sign language to call her a donkey's butt(I learned the signs for that from Marty)....I do know that I'm not going to let a day go by without telling my friends and family how much they mean to me...if you're reading this, I love you, I cherish the impact you've had in my life and I pray God's great peace and hope in your lives! Don't be a stranger and don't forget to tell those you care about that they are important to you.
Peace
Korista
Proverbs 3:5-6

Oz

Whirlwind, I seriously think I am being caught up in one. We see funnel clouds on the news, we understand that Dorothy got caught up in one and she was swept away to a magical land with munchkins and witches (good and bad), talking lions, scarecrows with no brains(I actually know a few of these) and tin men with no hearts(I know WAY too many of these). Tornadoes strike fear in the heart of most, especially anyone who has lived in the southern US...but I have to say, when the winds pick up I always hope to be rushed to a better place. Oz really does seam exciting, scary but exciting none the less. Isn't that how change always makes us feel? Scared but excited, a little confused and really hopeful that we'll be swept away to a better land. In my own life, I crave change. CRAZY, you scream, INSANE, you think, GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT, you would say...but it's the truth. I avoid change as much as the next, but something inside me cries out for change, for something different, for more than status quo. I grew up moving around the country every 2-4 years and most of the time I HATED it, in fact fighting against the natural changes that came with uprooting our family and moving to a new station(my dad was in the Coast Guard) always caused more heartache for me. But now, I want it, I crave the radical change that comes with moving or starting a new project, I think it's because I don't want to be average, I long to be a "world changer" for lack of a better phrase and as over simplified as that is. I want the world around me to be better for me having been there. Well, I can't go to OZ but I can say, God let the whirlwind stir in me your hope and your love and don't leave me the same, change me! And a friendly word of advice, avoid the witches, embrace the cowardly lion, share your thoughts with the brainless scarecrows and most of all share your heart with the tin man, who knows you could be the whirlwind of change they need to compel them to a better place.
Korista

The Start

Starting a blog....is anyone reading this? That is my first question, the second is does it really matter? Am I blogging for others or for myself? I think a bit of both. Honestly, if you read this and it brings encouragement, hope or a challenge then I'm glad. Hopefully this will be a place for me to share my thoughts, my not so deep musings on God, faith and this journey I'm on. I'm not to coolest girl in town nor the most gifted writer but I love to write and I hope that maybe my experiences written in a public forum will become crystallized for myself and others.
As for the title, Streams in Arches...its a reference to one of my favorite places in the U.S.: Arches National Park. On one particular road trip to Texas, I stopped at Arches and did some hiking, while driving through Arches I noticed a winding path of green through a massive canvas of desert brown. Being a Northwest girl at heart green is my favorite color and to see green as the color of life in a sea of dead tumbleweeds was refreshing. Yet the beauty of that winding green "stream" was not found only in the hope of life, it was really found in God's spirit speaking to me about how present He is in my life. He impressed on me the need to stay close to the "Life Source", much as the trees that were growing in the midst of Arches stayed close to the stream I am in need of Jesus. He is the vine, He is the way, the truth and the life....without Him I am nothing. So hopefully as I seek Him and record my life lessons on this road you and I will both be encouraged and challenged to stay close to Him.
Peace
Korista