I promised....I just didn't say when! HA

So it's been over a month since I promised to blog, I'm not even certain anyone is reading this blog...but here I am. This semester in grad school kicked me hard, not just school really but life in general. I have no "feelings"...literally I think I'm more of a robot than a human being right now...uh oh did the pod people attack and I didn't get the memo? Anyways, I've turned 31, performed a memorial for a friend, started a new job, moved, struggled a lot in my faith and in just living daily life....hmmmm. I guess I only have forward to go from here!

Today I was walking my roommate's dogs and I usually try to use that time to focus on my day and what God's saying to me and today I realized something entirely ridiculous about myself....wait for it....are you ready....I think I'm god. Ok so I don't literally think I'm god...but here's the deal. I was talking to the ONE AND ONLY GOD on my walk and I was apologizing for being such a loser in my communications with him and my daily bible reading (yeah I'm a pastor...stop gasping and keep reading) and I said to God, I just have to work harder, I'll just be better. I would have stopped in my tracks but the 150 lbs of dog kept pulling me forward. In those little sentences talking to God, I realized that I, subconsciously think I'm in charge of changing myself into someone better. That if I just read my bible more, pray more, give more somehow I will be better, I will be WORTHY of God's love and work in my life. Here's the problem, I am not God....I am no where close (and right now you should be thanking the only God that I'm not...cause this world would SUCK if I was in charge)....and the thing of it is, is that I can't earn anything, I don't deserve God's grace, Jesus' sacrifice on the cross is the ONLY reason I can even talk to God personally....if I keep on this track of thinking somehow I'll be worthy enough for God's attention I am in definitely jeopardy of believing somehow I am god. I've always struggled with asking people for help, if you know me well enough, you know I HATE feeling out of control, I HATE trusting other people for anything and I am content to be alone and do it on my own. The beauty of God is that he has placed me in a family and a circle of friends who know this about me and don't allow me to live a solitary life-they invade when I need help, even when I can't admit it...this is not a bad thing, I need this because if they didn't come in I would NEVER ask for help...maybe its a pride issue...but I don't think so, it comes back to the fact that I tend towards a "works" view of life and faith...I have ALWAYS wanted to prove myself worthy, worthy of friendship, of being a daughter, of being taken seriously, of Jesus' sacrifice...the list goes on....but you know what I'm NOT WORTHY (stop having Wayne's World flashbacks!) I can't be better, I can't do it...the only thing I can do is throw myself at the foot of the cross and ask God to let Jesus' worthiness be enough for me. Relient K has a line in a song that challenges me, "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair"...Thank you God for your grace, Jesus thanks for not letting me get what I deserve....God thanks that I'm not you and that I am your kid-no matter what.

Thanks for reading.....Korista